ROCKET TO THE SUN
(Nonsensical contemporary non-science fiction for kidults)
Read this to your kids
It was the hottest summer ever and the planet was burning. Fires raged everywhere, and try as they might to put them out all the firemen in all the world just could not manage because there was no more water anywhere, not a single drop. All the rivers had run dry, right down into their dusty, cracked beds, and all the seas and oceans had evaporated.
The chief of all the firemen of all the world went to see the President of the World.
«There’s nothing we can do Mr President» he lamented. «There is no more water left anywhere sir.»
The President of the World thought long and hard, and then had a bright idea, perhaps even brighter than the sun itself.
«We must send a rocket into the sun to switch it off.» he announced
«Switch off the sun!» screamed everyone with approval, disapproval and incomprehension.
«The problem is that the sun is too hot» said the president, «so if we switch off the sun, we can all cool down.»
The President’s experts and advisers were all a little surprised, but no one else seemed to have a better idea, (and no one dared to disagree with the President, no matter how mad his idea seemed, after all, he was President of the World,) so they all agreed that a rocket should be sent to the sun to switch it off.
As luck would have it, there were plenty of spare rockets around, so the President of the World ordered his rocket builders to choose the biggest and best and most powerful rocket they could find.
«We need someone to fly the rocket sir» said the President’s space expert.
Immediately, the President of the World sent for all his astronauts.
Once assembled, the President announced his bright idea,
«The sun is so hot, that we have decided to send a rocket to the sun and switch it off … We just need one of you to fly it.»
There was a moment of incredulous silence before all the astronauts broke out in one great big enormous, loud astronaut laugh.
The president thumped his hand on his desk
«Gentlemen!» he thundered, «This is serious.»
When the astronauts had finally calmed down, the oldest, most- experienced astronaut stepped forward.
«Mr President» he started. «None of us will fly a rocket into the sun. We will just melt. Besides, if you really want to turn off the sun, do you know where the switch is?»
The President thought a long and hard thought and thought that no one had thought of this yet.
He assembled all his specialists, engineers, experts and scientists.
«Gentlemen,» he announced. «We need to switch off the sun, but we don’t know where the switch is, before we can send our rocket, we must find the switch.»
At this, all the specialists, engineers, experts and scientists scurried off to their laboratories and workshops to find a way to find the switch on the sun.
Meanwhile there was still the question of who would fly the rocket.
«If we can’t send a man to the sun, we’ll send a robot,» thought the President, and immediately sent for his robot expert.
«We only have one robot left Mr President» the robot expert announced.
«Just one robot!» screeched the incredulous President.
«Just one robot Sir» confirmed the expert, «All the rest were recycled into air conditioning units, because our discount supermarket made in a far off foreign land machines all burned out as soon as we swithched them on.»
«Send for the robot» ordered the President.
Presently, the last robot in the world arrived, wheezing, whirring, churning and clunking his way slowly and feebly into the President’s office.
«You’re not a very good robot» concluded the president as he cast a quick glance at the machine.
«I’m the only robot you’ve got,» droned the robot in a slow, sad, monotonous, mechanical drawl.
«So be it!» proclaimed the President, «You will fly our rocket to the sun.»
The robot wasn’t very keen on his new «mission», for though he was only a robot, he too had feelings. He was also sad because he was the last robot on Earth. Since the start of the hottest ever summer, he had seen all his robot friends carted off to be made into air conditioning units to keep humans cool as all their cheap, made in a far off foreign land air con units had broken down.
As a robot, he had no choice but to obey, because he was programmed to obey, and though he tried as hard as he could to keep breaking down, the human robot engineers and experts kept reparing him, until he was actually in a better state than he had ever been since he had been new, back in the days before long hot summers, when robots were robots and not air conditioners.
The President of the World was very happy, he had his rocket and a robot to fly it, all that remained was to find the switch on the sun.
After days of long hard mathematics,
problematics,machinations,calculations and head scratching, the specialists, engineers, experts, and scientists all returned to see the President.
«Gentlemen, have you found the switch?»
«No sir» said the specialists.
«No sir» said the engineers.
«No sir» said the experts.
«No sir» said the scientists.
Exasperated, the President flew into a rage.
«Call yourselves specialists, engineers, experts and scientisits and you can’t even find the switch on the sun …»
Just then, the presidential electrician, who was in the presidential office repairing the presidential air con unit, made a suggestion.
«If I may be so bold Mr President» he ventured, «You’ll probably find the switch on the sun round the back of the sun .»
The specialists, engineers, experts and scientists all turned to stare a thunderous stare at the electrician.
«You’re not a specialist or an, engineer, or an expert or a scientist» scorned the chief specialist/engineer/expert/scientist/professer person.
«I may not be a specialist or an, engineer or an expert or a scientist» replied the electrician, «but I am an electrician» he announced with pride, sticking his thumbs in the braces of his dungarees, and straightening himself up to his full height, which wasn’t much because he was only five foot tall. «As an electrician, I know all about switches, and switches are always around the back.»
«Round the back» scoffed the chief specialist/engineer/expert/scientist/professer person.
«Round the back,» guffawed all the other chief specialist/engineer/expert/scientist/professer people, in a collective and knowing guffaw.
«Yes, round the back, and I shall prove it» said the electrician.
«Tell me,» he asked the chief specialist/engineer/expert/scientist/professer person. «Where is the switch on your computer?»
«Round the back.» replied the chief specialist/engineer/expert/scientist/professer person.
«Where is the switch on your printer?»
«Round the back.» replied the chief specialist/engineer/expert/scientist/professer person.
«Where is the switch on your coffee maker?»
«Round the back.» replied the chief specialist/engineer/expert/scientist/professer person.
«I rest my case» announced the electrician, beaming with pride at this small victory of experience over grey matter.
The chief specialist/engineer/expert/scientist/professer person. had to admit that there was a pretty good chance that, if indeed the sun had a switch, it was probably at the back.
«Now we know where the switch might be, it is time to carry out the mission» cried the president gleefully. «It’s time to save the world.»
And with that, the President of the World sent for his personal hairdresser to comb his floppy blonde hair, then he went on TV to tell everyone how he was going to save the world.
The robot was given his official orders:
– Fly the rocket round the back of the sun
– Flick the switch to turn off the sun
– Fly home (If you can)
So, with the rocket fuelled, and the robot at the commands, countdown started.
«fi’fo’tree»two’wun Blast Off» – shouted the countdown man, and with that, the rocket shot into the sky and the future of the whole planet was in the metallic hands of an unwilling robot, who wasn’t even sure of the way to the sun.
And the people across the world sweltering in their shuttered-up, darkened, sweaty houses, huddled round their cheap air conditioners, watched the take off on TV
«It’s just like when we were kids and we watched to rockets blasting off to the Moon» said mum
«Yeah» sighed dad, getting all nostaligic «but it was better back then.»
AND THEN THE RAINS CAME. (Reprise)
And as the long, hot, endless sweaty days, melted into one timeless sweltering limbo, the parents began to moan about the hot weather, complaining that it was just too hot and the garden was dry and «It would be nice to see some rain.»
Then, one day, the weather broke. (probably as a result of the millions of parents moaning about the hot weather, because it generally raosn in the end when people man enough)
The sun disappeared.
The sky turned ominous heavy grey.
The clouds burst.
The deluge was here.
In no time the parents were moaning about the rain. It had rained all year. It had been nice to see some sun. Oh dear, summer had been washed away like it had never happened.
And the rain brought water to the earth
And the rains put out all the fires
And the rains filled all the rivers and all the seas and all the oceans.
and everyone got ready to live happily ever after once more
AND EVERYONE FORGOT ALL ABOUT THE ROBOT FLYING FAR OUT IN SPACE TO GO AND SWITCH OFF THE SUN
Chez Nick 