Trying to have a bit of fun with a new story. This is all a bit mad. Enjoy.

NEW YEAR’S EVE

«It’s New Year’s Eve. » announced Stan through a mouthful of bacon.

No one said anything. The family continued chomping their way through breakfast and Stan carried on chewing his bacon and trying to cut his way through an obstinate sausage.

“Yes, it’s New Year’s Eve” announced  Stan again, this time more strident and resolute, afraid that no one had heard him the first time.

“Yes we know” groaned the family in a collective groan to stop Stan repeating the bleedingly obvious several times.

“New Year’s Eve” enthused Stan as he finally triumphed over his unwilling sausage. “And as you know, it is time for us all to have an adventure.”

There was a short silence and then a longer then before collective family groan.

“Oh gawd” groaned everyone

“Go pack your bags!” ordered Stan. “I want everyone by the front door in ten minutes ready for an adventure.”

“What do we take?” asked mum

“Where are we going?” asked Elena

“How long are we going for?” asked Tom

“I don’t know” retorted Stan. “This is an adventure!”

Poor old Elena and Tom. It wasn’t easy living with a barmy dad

“I’m not coming round your house” their friends would say. “Your dad’s barmy bonkers.”

 

The MoMSBI

The neighbours thought Stan was mad, and he was mad, a mad scientist and mad inventor, that was his job, a highly important job, working for the Government at the Ministry of Mad Science and Bonkers Inventions – the MoMSBI.

Stan had a special job at the MoMSBI, he was in charge of the” Department of Useless Machines and Bonkers Operating Sytsems” (DUMBOS) and his job was (you’ve guessed) was to make mad machines. Stan was in charge of a large team of mad scientists and potty professors and insane inventors. They all worked in a top secret underground laboratory that was so secret, that often, Stan forgot where he worked, along with the hundreds of other mad scientists, potty professors and insane inventors who also forgot where they worked, with the result that it was very rare that enough people actually turned up to work to invent anything.

And this was they way Stan liked it and this was the way that the Government liked it and this was the way the Minister in charge of the MoMSBI liked it and everyone was happy that all the nation’s mad scientists, potty professors and insane inventors we’re busy travelling up and down the country trying to remember where they worked and not inventing anything deadly dangerous .

For a very long time the world’s mad scientists, potty professors and insane inventors had worked inventing rockets and bombs and flying machines and death rays and nasty poisons and big guns, and of course when there are lots of rockets and bombs and flying machines and death rays and nasty poisons and big guns, there will always be someone ready to use them.

ONE SUNNY CROQUET DAY

Then one sunny day, as the President of the World was out in his garden playing croquet, he thought it would be a bit barmy if someone used all the rockets and bombs and flying machines and death rays and nasty poisons and big guns to destroy everything, because afterwards there would be nothing left – no more people, no more sunny days, no more croquet…

“People of the World” announced the President of the World in an international interplanetary TV broadcast. Let it be on Earth and across the universe, there will be no more rockets and bombs and flying machines and death rays and nasty poisons and big guns. We’re not going to make any of those anymore.”

Cheers went up all across the world and all those parts of the Universe that could pick up the TV signal, however all the world’s mad scientists, potty professors and insane inventors were sad, they all got Post Insanity Severe Stress Ecentricity Disorder, and went even madder, pottier and insaner than before.

“Oh My Sausages” exclaimed Stan. “What am I going to do now?” and all the other the  mad scientists, potty professors and insane inventors said the same. They scratched their balding heads, they twisted their spectacles, they pulled on their long moustaches, they chewed on the sleeves of their white coats, they twizzled their spotted bow ties, they got even more Post Insanity Severe Stress Ecentricity Disorder than before until, the Government of the World announced the creation of the  MoMSBI – like the Chimpanzee House at the zoo, all the world’s mad scientists, potty professors and insane inventors would be put in a big undergound secret laboratory to do their mad, potty, insane stuff.

THE UNSOGGY CORNFLAKE

At the beginning Stan was happy, he was invented the Cornflake that would never go soggy in milk (providing you did not pour milk on your cornflakes), he invented the world’s first Crinkled Potato crisp uncrinkler, he invented the two-wheeled unicycle, but the day he had to make the perfect cup of tea, he knew he had got to the limit of his limitless knowledge, and at the lowest point of his superior intelligence.

Time had come to stay home and just have adventures, the time had come to leave the MoMSBI and the DUMBOS, but he didn’t actually have to leave because where he worked was so secret that he couldn’t remember and no one who worked there could tell him where it was because that information was top secret.

In truth Stan hadn’t been to work for years, and the only reason he had invented everything he had done was because he had forgotten to go home because he had forgotten where he lived.

Stan finally got home when a potty professor colleague had remembered Stan’s address. Of course no one know how to get there, so the other mad scientists, potty professors and insane inventors, had wrapped Stan up in a big wooden box, written his address on the lid and sent him home by post.

And this explains how Stan got home and just how barmy he was and it brings us nicely back to breakfast in Stan’s house which is where we started this story, all about Stan and family’s New Year’s Eve adventure.

NEW YEAR’S EVE (AGAIN)

«It’s New Year’s Eve. » announced Stan through a mouthful of bacon

No one said anything. The family continued chomping their way through breakfast and Stan carried on chewing his bacon and trying to cut his way through an obstinate sausage.

“Yes, it’s New Year’s Eve” announced  Stan again, this time more strident and resolute, afraid that no one had heard him the first time.

“Yes we know” groaned the family in a collective groan to stop Stan repeating the bleedingly obvious several times.

“New Year’s Eve” enthused Stan as he finally triumphed over his unwilling sausage. “And as you know, it is time for us all to have an adventure.”

There was a short silence and then a longer then before collective family groan.

“Oh gawd” groaned everyone

“Go pack your bags!” ordered Stan. “I want everyone by the front door in ten minutes ready for an adventure.”

“What do we take?” asked mum

“Where are we going?” asked Elena

“How long are we going for?” asked Tom

“I don’t know” retorted Stan. “This is an adventure!” He paused for thought, because, even if you don’t know where you’re going on your adventure, you at least need some vague idea, if only to know what direction you are going to turn at the end of the street.

“Sausages!” exclaimed  Stan. “We are going on a sausage adventure.”

Why not?  it was no less crazy than other adventures they had been on. Last year they had gone mountaineering in Holland, following Stan’s theory that unprecedented earth  movements had suddenly shifted Mount Everest from the Himalayas to the outskirts of Amsterdam. The year before Stan had built a submarine and they had spent the New Year’s break seeking out the legendary city of Atlantis in the boating lake in the local park (The theory behind this was the newly opened Atlantis Fish and Chip shop in the local high street from where Stan had ordered home delivery Fish and Chips. When they were delivered, the spotty young man who came to the door had announced himself as “The Man from Atlantis”, leading Stan to think what he thought (and you can imagine the rest)

To be continued