More Wonky Stories (Wonky – Part Two)

The second part of my recent scribblings for grown-up kids


There had been the bovine teleportation system.


(How to get a cow on the moon if only by accident)

As you know from part one, Big Jim is a mad inventor.

It had been years since the milkman’s puny little milk float hadn’t made it up the hill. It had been years that the family hadn’t had fresh milk.  Big Jim could have invented a rocket-powered milk float or a helicopter milk float, instead he decided on a Bovine teleportation system. The idea was whacky, but simple.

Invent a teleportation system like you get in science fiction films. Strap it to a cow and then every morning at the press of a button, zap the cow from its field, into the kitchen, squeeze the milk out of it, and then send it (the cow) back. As luck would have it, there was a farm with a big herd of black and white cows at the bottom of the hill, and one night, when the house had slid to the bottom of the hill, Big Jim nipped out under the cover of darkness and strapped a teleportation unit to all the cows. Over the coming days, Big Jim tried to zap cows from the farm into the kitchen. To the surprise and delight of his family, the first cow actually worked.

Big Jim stood behind a big console of dials and screens and flashing lights. He slowly and ceremoniously pulled a big lever. Things went ping, flashing lights flashed even more, wheels whirred, the machine buzzed and hummed and buzzed and hummed again and then WHOOOOSH – a rush of wind and a puff of smoke and a rather confused cow appeared in the kitchen. Wilhelmina plonked her milking stool beside the cow, twanged a few teats and filled up bottles with fresh creamy milk. No sooner had she finisehd milking than Big Jim puched to lever again and the cow disppeared. Beginner’s luck. On the next attempt the cow disappeared in flight. On the third attempt the cow exploded in the kitchen, on the fourth attempt, Big Jim teleported three cows, then when he sent them back, he got the coordinates wrong and sent them all to the Moon, which more than surprised the astronauts who had just landed there.

No matter. Big Jim carried on  dematerialising cows until one day, and angry farmer brandisihing a pitchfork and a shotgun  came charging up the garden path.

«What you done with all my cows?» roared  the red faced farmer as he battered and banged on the front door. Big Jim was shaking with fear. Daisy was hysterical. Little Jim, Not So Little Jim and Wendy were hiding under their beds

«I know you’re in there» screamed the farmer as ha waved his pitchfork

«I’m gonna have ‘ee»

It was then that Big Jim noticed the farmer brandishing a teleportation unit he’d probably taken from one of the cows

«What this ‘ere?» the farmer shouted. «What’s this doing on my cows?»

Big Jim’s brain suddenly had a massive wave. He crawled over to his big flashing, buzzing console, pushed the big lever and WHOOOOOSH – the farmer disappeared.

That evening, on the news, there was a live press conference from Cape Canaveral. A NASA spokesman confirmed that US Astronauts had found a mad farmer and three cows on the moon, however  this could not be taken as proof that the Moon was home to any other intelligent life forms.

The bovine teleportation system was just one example of those Big Jim inventions that never worked

The had been the automatic potato unmasher

«What’s the point?» sighed Daisy

«Well darling, if one evening you make mashed potato for dinner and one of us doesn’t want their potatoes mashed, just pop them in the unmashing machine and it will turn them back into whole potatoes.