Into Unarmed Combat

Monday tomorrow – the start of a new week for the nation’s 800,000 teachers

As they roll, bleary-eyed into the classroom, they are possibly thinking –“This time yesterday, I was in bed, and now I have to go into unarmed combat with thirty kids.”

In situations like this teachers say:

“Qu’est-ce que je fous ici” – (Keske dje foo eesee) What the f*** am I doing here.

We have already studied the word “foutre”. Like the word “con” it can be used in a multitude of diverse situations and in varying forms.

As the kids noisily elbow and kick their way into the classroom, a teacher might be tempted to shout

“C’est quoi ce foutoir?” – (Say kwah se footwah?)  What’s all this bloody racket

If the kids continue to make a “foutoir” throughout the lesson, at breaktime, the teacher may tell other colleagues

“Les gamins ont foutu le bordel en classe” – (Lay gamans on footoo le bordell on class) The kids just fucked about in class.

As we all know though, other colleagues never have problems with the class that you have problems with. For them the kids might just be a little boisterous, but they are all adorable and hard working

“Je n’ai jamais aucun problème avec eux” – (dje nay jamay ohkune problem avec er) I never have any problems with them, smiles one lying colleague.

To this you might say “Foutaise” (footayz) or bullshit

“C’est de la foutaise” – (Say de la footayz) That’s just bullshit

There again you may even accuse the colleague of “Foutage de gueule” (foo tage de girl) or piss taking

“Arrêtes de foutre de ma gueule” (Arrete de foot de ma girl)– Stop taking the bloody piss.

Apart from other colleagues, parents can also be a problem. When they ask to see you, something is wrong. It may be because

“Les gamins ne foutent rien dans votre classe” – (Lay gaman ne foot ree anne don votrah class) – the kids do f*** all in your lessons

This is a common critic of many parents who like to see their offspring come home laden down with homework. A good teacher is one who makes the kids work. As a language teacher, you have to give the kids long pages of exercises to do. Not that this means they have actually learned anything, it just means that they can do exercises.

The kids themselves may reproach teachers for the lack of work. They may say to their peers

“On ne foot rien avec ce prof” (On ne foot ree anne aveck se prof) – We do bugger all with that teacher

All this may lead the teacher to harbour negative feeling about his or her pupils and their parents. On learning that parents and pupils have complaints about lesson content or teaching style or the lack of work, a teachers may say . . .

“Qu’ils aillent se faire foutre” (Keels eye se fair foot)– let them go f*** themselves

As a teacher it is obviously your job to help kids understand, even if the kid is “completement con” – a thick bastard. In this case, a teacher can say

“Il comprend foutrement rien” (Eel comp rond foot remont ree anne)– He understands bugger all or SFA

In which case, a teacher may ask him or herself the question

“Qu’est-ce que je vais foutre de lui?” (Kes ke dje vay foot de louie?)– What the f*** am I going to do with him?

The tired and overworked teacher may just reach the conclusion

“Je m’en fous”(Dje mon foo) I don’t give a toss

Here are some other ways to use “Foutre”

“Va te faire foutre” – (Vah ter fair foot) – go f*** yourself

Of a girl we may say “Elle est bien foutue” – (Ell ay bee anne foo too) – she’s f***ing fit

Of a man we may say

“Il est bien foutu” – (Eel ay bee anne foo too) – He’s f***ing fit or simply, He’s well hung

And with that it’s time to hang up – J’ai d’autres choses à foutre. – (Djay doat rah shows a footre)